tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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