i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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