i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
