When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
