I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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