this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Congratulations! We have a period
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