well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
