thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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