I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize