So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
