You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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