i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
