the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
