so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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