I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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