I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
