you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
