She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
