And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize