Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
