everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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