is your mom at the bar?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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