his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
