have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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