Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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