So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
