I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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