Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
