don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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