totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
