Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How does it feel to date your dad?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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