I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
