I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
