alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
