So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
