I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just found puke in my bra..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
