I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
