i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
