K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
