im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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