Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize