I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize