STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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