google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
