Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
