K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
whose parrot is this?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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