Even the bartender felt bad for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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