I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
