i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
