so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
