at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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