Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
