I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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