If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize