he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize