just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
