apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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