My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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