so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
