I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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