I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
