How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize