Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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