I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
These tits shall not be calmed
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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