Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
