I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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