By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
