Me. At least after what I've been through.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
did i just pee glitter
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize