I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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