Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
